Although I've had four different foster children, I have been a nanny of two sets of twins, and I have hopes of extending our family, the children in my mind are the children I don't yet have. Ten years of infertility, four foster children finding other homes, and failed hopes of adoptions should cause me to face reality that my daughter may always be an only child, but still I am convinced that I will have a bigger family.
I often find myself saying, "I want my children to..." I usually end that sentence with stuff like, "never question I love them," "have as many opportunities and experiences as I can give them," or "be confident and kind." It rarely crosses my mind that I don't actually have children, I have a child-a single child.
Truth is, I think it all falls down to the fact that I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I still want to expand our family; I still have hope that our attempts will work. Yet, it still doesn't cause me to be any less nervous about the test results we were supposed to get back today. I am well aware that our hopes and desires could be squashed in the next couple of days, but I still hope. Blindly, maybe. So, will we proceed with in vitro? Only God knows.