My emotions have been high and my hormones have been whacky since I have stopped the hormones for IVF, and I have found myself being hurt by things that would normally roll off my back or maybe not even be a blip on the radar under normal circumstances. Unfortunately, for my three most trusted friends, they have found themselves fallen victim to my constant insecure thoughts, dramatic ramblings, and late night worries.
Over the course of the past month, I have been trying to cope with yet another closed door, wondering where open doors lie. I try to come to terms with the fact that my dreams of a big family may not look the way I always imagined. Truth is, I never thought adoption would be so hard. I never thought conceiving would be near impossible, I never thought money would play such a huge factor in the growing of the family.
Don't get me wrong, I knew it might be hard, I had a gut feeling from a very early age, but how hard was something I never realized. Another thing I never realized ten years ago as this journey began, I never realized how big my family truly could be without adding children.
When I was third through fifth grade, I had one friend. Sure, I had many other friends, but only one real friend. I had a very narrow view of my family. I felt very alone, and decided when I was in eighth grade that I was going to have a big family, and I was going to try to encourage my kids to have a close bond, because I didn't want my kids to feel alone like I did.
I would daydream about how many kids I would have, while other girls were daydreaming about boyfriends.
Things changed in tenth grade. It was the first time I began building friendships that would be long lasting, aside from my loyal third grade best friend.
At thirty-three, I have a changed perspective.
I have prayed my entire life that I would have a big family, that I totally didn't realize that although I never got pregnant (and stayed pregnant) and I only succeeded in adopting one child, my family had grown huge!
If I were to count the number of true friends, I can confidently say the number is more than one.
Just as in normal families, I have lost contact with some for one reason or another. When I thank God for those he has placed in my life, I thank God for the lost ones too. They may have chosen to not have me in their lives, but I am thankful they were part of my life even for a short time. I still love them, think about them, and wish them the best. The same thing happens in families made purely from blood bonds. Yet, when that person walks back in your life, you open your arms wide and welcome them back with cheerful hearts and loud praises.
I get hurt by some of them, that doesn't make them any less important. Usually the pain that was caused has more to do with hormones and outside circumstances than the action of the offender. I find I forgive often and apologize a lot. I may not trust all that I love, but I love many people as much as I would love a sister or that I love my brothers.
I then realized, God gave us a desire towards family, not because he wants everyone to procreate, but because he wants people to build relationships. He wants people to grow old surrounded by loved ones, whether they are biologically related or not. He never intended family lines to be only biological. Take a look at Jesus, his earthly father was not biologically related to him, yet when the Bible follows Jesus's genealogy, he follows through Joseph's line not Mary's.
So over the past ten years, I have begun to redefine family. Some of you may not realize you are part of my family. Some of you may not share the same love I have towards you as you do towards me, but that's okay. Some may reject me, some may hurt me, but I am learning family is not an exclusive club that you have to either be born into or married into. It's a choice to love someone unconditionally, and because of that, my prayer for a large family has finally been blessed.