My daughter always makes me laugh at some of the funniest and most ridiculous things she says. Since we have been trying (and still trying) to adopt through the foster care system, my daughter initially hoped that we would do that instead of in vitro. We've been preparing her for this for quite awhile. Initially, there were insecurities about whether we would love a biological child more than her, but yeah, yesterday confirmed that those fears are no longer there.
She, however, does have other concerns. Including, but not limited to:
I’m in a rut. Not to be confused with 'the rut', because, well that's just inappropriate. Okay, I got a little off track, so let’s start over.
I’m in a rut - a writing rut. I write about “Should I homeschool,” “Are we going to do in vitro,” back to homeschooling, then in vitro, then homeschooling, then in vitro. Yes. That is all I've been writing about, which I am sure is boring as can be for everyone except me. No, scratch that. It’s boring for everyone!
Truth is, I’m in a life rut. I feel like my life is on pause. I’m on the brink of something absolutely amazing, yet I’m stuck. It’s like riding up on a roller coaster. Your stomach tenses as you go up, you get excited, you know that life is about to get super intense, then the car stops. You are stuck. You know that at any moment your car could just fly down, loopety loop, and become amazing or frightening or both. Then the longer you stay up there, you begin to wonder, should someone get me down from here? Is the car really going to move forward? So yes, that is where I am.
Despite all that, and me trying to avoid talking about homeschooling or in vitro. Our test results came back and WE ARE CAPABLE OF DOING IN VITRO!!!
Some may wonder why I named my blog, "Blessed Life with Children," since I currently have a single daughter, no foster children, and am not yet pregnant. It would be better named "Blessed Life with a Child." Still, I think my title fits so much better. For one, "Blessed Life with a Child" is just not as catchy, second if we have another child, I will have to change the title, and most importantly, I always think of myself as a mother of more than one.
Although I've had four different foster children, I have been a nanny of two sets of twins, and I have hopes of extending our family, the children in my mind are the children I don't yet have. Ten years of infertility, four foster children finding other homes, and failed hopes of adoptions should cause me to face reality that my daughter may always be an only child, but still I am convinced that I will have a bigger family.
I often find myself saying, "I want my children to..." I usually end that sentence with stuff like, "never question I love them," "have as many opportunities and experiences as I can give them," or "be confident and kind." It rarely crosses my mind that I don't actually have children, I have a child-a single child.
Truth is, I think it all falls down to the fact that I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I still want to expand our family; I still have hope that our attempts will work. Yet, it still doesn't cause me to be any less nervous about the test results we were supposed to get back today. I am well aware that our hopes and desires could be squashed in the next couple of days, but I still hope. Blindly, maybe. So, will we proceed with in vitro? Only God knows.
I often, in the midst of sadness, have trouble seeing why certain things happen in my life. I decide to trudge through, put a smile on my face and hope that I will come out the other side a stronger person.
The past year I have been revisiting old feelings of loss that come with being infertile. My old question, why are you doing this Lord, has plagued me again and again.
Then I remembered something a friend told me while I was in high school. "Don't forget what you have already learned." What she meant was that too often when it comes to God, we doubt things that we know with certainty. Well, I was doubting His goodness in my life.
Yesterday morning, I found myself sitting across from a friend who has had a similar journey as me. I was sharing some of my old wisdom with her, and realized how true it still is today.
So while I worry about whether the in vitro works or not. I need to face the facts. God used my least favorite moments for good. If in vitro leads to tears and heartache, I need to hold my head up high and praise God for the blessing he will give me as a result. His blessings are plentiful.
I've been writing a blog for years, although it never has been quite focused. I used to name it Random Ramblings, because essentially that is what it was. Now it is more focused on raising my daughter, homeschooling, infertility.
Once we decided to do homeschooling, I decided to open up a second blog. I have not decided what direction it will take me, but if you want to read my old blog, which I will continue to update for the time being, click below.
It's no secret that my medical history is extensive. My doctors like to show me my chart when I walk into a room, because it is two inches thick and full of test results, surgery summaries, and random diagnosis. Usually they say something along the lines of, "I didn't have time to look through all of this, could you please sum it up."
I run the stats, (UC, PE, asthma, etc.) they ask the typical questions, and we laugh at my defective body.
Most days I am healthy. Although there was a time when my health or lack thereof was a common thought. Now it's not uncommon for me to go months without questioning the state of my body. I take it for granted.
Today, I am not taking it for granted.
I would like to say it's because I am so thankful God has given me the blessing of a new day, that I am alive and well, that I am strong and capable. No, that's not why I am not taking it for granted.
Don't get me wrong - all that's true, but today I am not taking it for granted because my asthma is flaring and all I want to do is stay home and breathe.
After six years of infertility, she was blessed with the adoption of her oldest daughter who now is a teenager. Six years later, she finally became a mother a second time, this time with a baby through a donated egg and ivf. Throughout that time, she fostered nine babies and toddlers, met wonderful women who helped her grow, and learned to rely on Jesus. She started this blog with the hope that she could share her joy, experience, and willingness to grow with others, whether they battle infertility, toddlers, or teens.