Often times I feel like I am not enough. I am not knowledgeable enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not outgoing enough, I am just not enough. Enough what you ask? I don't even know. I just have this vision of who I am supposed to be, but I am always falling short of this ideal person I want to be. Truth is, no matter what I accomplish in life, I will never be enough. God never designed us to be enough.
I love to watch people who I think are pretty dang amazing. My husband who runs two businesses, has an amazing job, and still manages to cuddle with Julia while listening to Emily talk about life. My bible study leader who I turn to way more than I'd like to admit. She has a knack for noticing when things are not quite right and getting to know many people at a personal level. She encourages, jokes, and is just pretty amazing. I see these people and many others like them, and I can see how God is taking their life and using it for his purposes. I can see that this world is a better place because they are here.
Then I look at me.
You know, my favorite movie of all time is, "It's a Wonderful Life." I love that George struggles his entire life. He has big dreams and high hopes, but never attains those things. Countless times, he finds himself at a moral crossroads. He needs to choose between good for others or good for himself. He, time after time, chooses what is good for others. It would not have been bad had he chose himself, he would have been right in doing so. But that was not in George's character. He followed a moral code higher than that. It didn't make his life any more enjoyable or great. He still struggled, he still found himself unhappy, he still wasn't enough in his own eyes. But what he didn't realize is that, because he lived, the world was a better place.
This movie makes me think about my own life. Life is hard. Life is not always joyful, and truth is even if I made all the right decisions, that does not guarantee that I would find happiness. Happiness should never be the goal anyway, it's temporary and circumstantial. But I would like to think that my choices in life have made this world a little brighter. It helps me to realize, it doesn't really matter if I am enough. I try. I try to serve others. I try to do good. I fail, but even in all my failure, I strive for good. So I look at myself one last time, and I realize that I don't know how well I have done up to this point, but I know what direction I am headed. I want to affect others, I want to change this world for the better. I may not always succeed, but I hope that when God calls me home, that I can look back and be happy that this world was a better place because I was here.
After six years of infertility, she was blessed with the adoption of her oldest daughter who now is a teenager. Six years later, she finally became a mother a second time, this time with a baby through a donated egg and ivf. Throughout that time, she fostered nine babies and toddlers, met wonderful women who helped her grow, and learned to rely on Jesus. She started this blog with the hope that she could share her joy, experience, and willingness to grow with others, whether they battle infertility, toddlers, or teens.