Today, from the most unlikely source, I was discouraged about our upcoming plans of IVF - on Mother's Day of all days. It was not a disproving statement, but a passive statement about the odds being against us and not sure the money is well spent. This was from the same person who discouraged us doing foster care. It makes me wonder how often, I, myself, have discouraged somebody through thoughtless words. Too often I speak without thinking about how the words impact others. I wish I could be a more positive influence. 

I have to admit, the feelings of discouragement filled me for only a brief second, until I reminded myself of Robert Frost's The Road Less Traveled. Something I have been thinking about A LOT. 

My entire life, I have never been able to take the road everyone else took. I have always felt like the black sheep. 

When you are young and the black sheep, you think something is wrong with you. When you're older, you begin to realize how blessed you are as a result. Sometimes my road was picked for me, for, "we make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps," Proverbs 16:9. Other times, I clearly went against the grain on my own accord. 

Not all roads were pleasant, but all roads were worth the travel.

So this year, I will be making two journeys, each through a road less traveled. They may lead to heartache or hardship, but I do believe, just as the great poem says, it will make "all the difference." 

I am (for the most part) a stay-at-home mom, who works from home. For some reason, people have this assumption that because you choose something for yourself or your family, that you think everyone should be just like you. 

The truth is, I don't think every mom should be a stay-at-home mom (nor every woman should be a mom for that matter). I've met women who are wonderful moms, but staying home with their child is either not feasible or not ideal for their family. Some families need the financial help, others have worked hard toward their career and placing it on hold would be detrimental to their professional life, others are single moms, while others have different reasons just as valid. 

These women are very involved in their children's rearing, fretting over who should take care of their children, what their education should look like, who their friends are, what will the kids eat, what milestones have they hit, and the list goes on and on. Just because a woman chooses one path over another, does not make her inferior. 

I am starting a new Beth Moore bible study. Man, I love Beth Moore! She is so real. I love that she very animatedly admits her flaws and shortcomings. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone. It always surprises me when she mentions her own insecurity. I can't help but think, what does this women have to be insecure about?!? She is beautiful, outgoing, and has a fun-loving personality. But just that single admission, is probably what makes her so lovable.

This bible study is about Ester and why it can be tough being a woman.

I have to admit, I love everything about being a woman, and wonder what this study will teach me. In fact, the only benefit to being a man that I can think of is that they can pee standing up. Well, that and they don't deal with the ups and downs of hormones. Then of course what comes along with those hormones. It would be nice to forgo all of that. Oh yes, and then having to deal with the drama other women stir up. Men are generally easier to work with. (I say generally, not a rule.) Then I hear child birth is painful and pregnancy is annoying. Actually come to think of it, maybe there are more benefits to being a man than I thought.

In three or four months (it might have gotten pushed back a month) we will be doing in vitro. I have been talking with a friend about her own experience with that journey. How, when you have come to a certain point, you kind of expect them to call and say no. Any other answer, just seems wrong. Her final attempt, she became pregnant. 

My LASIK eye surgery did not go as planned. I will blog about that after I've decided for sure that I'm happy with the results. This was a huge reminder to me that things for me usually don't go as planned. 

I'm not saying this as a self-pity thing, but as the truth. Whether things turn out good or bad, they never go as planned. 

In my early twenties, I took a job, knowing I was not going to keep it. I had decided very early on, that as soon as I had found another job, I would quit that one and do the other. Unfortunately, there was a no compete clause. Well, I found a job, but it was because of the first one and was in fact in competition for the first. Being young and inexperienced, I was baffled why my employer and friend wouldn't let me break a signed contract. From my perspective, she knew I was only working temporarily, she knew this other job was a better fit for me. From her perspective, I made a legal agreement. She did let me break the contract, although there were hard feelings. At the time I was confused why she was upset. I look back now with more experience, without the influence I had from others, and I realize, I was in the wrong. The funny thing is, that is how all conflicts occur. Two people perceive things very differently. 

I've come to the realization that I cannot always lean on my own understanding. I often seek advice from a highly respectable person, keeping in mind, it is also just another perspective and eventually turn to God (I know it should be the other way around, but I'm a flawed Christian). Fortunately, seeing others' perspectives has become easier, and I often see why they or myself are misguided. Our perspective is tainted by beliefs, experience, prejudices, fears, and lies. 

In my life I have attempted to accomplish many goals. I have accomplished approximately, 0.1 percent of them. Though despite my great failings, there are many things I am proud of. Here is my top ten list in no particular order. 

1. I adopted my daughter.

Although I can only say this is an achievement as much as a mother can say she found success in giving birth to her child, but this was one of my biggest blessings and I am quite proud of it. I am so thankful and happy and wish everyone could understand how great a love you can have for someone else, like you do for a daughter. 

2. I have never been drunk... As in never, ever, not once. 

I do not have a problem with alcohol, I do not have any moral objections to having an occasional beer, margarita, glass of wine. Yet, for most my life, I assumed if I ever got drunk, I might stay that way. So I decided to abstain completely. 

I often, in the midst of sadness, have trouble seeing why certain things happen in my life. I decide to trudge through, put a smile on my face and hope that I will come out the other side a stronger person. 

The past year I have been revisiting old feelings of loss that come with being infertile. My old question, why are you doing this Lord, has plagued me again and again. 

Then I remembered something a friend told me while I was in high school. "Don't forget what you have already learned." What she meant was that too often when it comes to God, we doubt things that we know with certainty. Well, I was doubting His goodness in my life. 

Yesterday morning, I found myself sitting across from a friend who has had a similar journey as me. I was sharing some of my old wisdom with her, and realized how true it still is today. 

• I am blessed to be infertile, because if I had gotten pregnant when I wanted to, I probably would not have adopted my daughter. She is the most amazing little girl. 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because I have had the opportunity to be a foster mom to beautiful sweet children. 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because I have been able to meet so many wonderful people who have been touched by infertility. 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because I have richer friendships, since I had to lean on them, not busy my life with, a house full of children (though I'd love to at any point). 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because my husband and I got many years to enjoy only one another without disruption. 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because my husband is able to have more worldly success in his job, then he would have if he had to worry about feeding a family than focusing on career advancement. 
  
• I am blessed to be infertile, because my journey is not done yet. There are blessings God still has in store for me. 
  

So while I worry about whether the in vitro works or not. I need to face the facts. God used my least favorite moments for good. If in vitro leads to tears and heartache, I need to hold my head up high and praise God for the blessing he will give me as a result. His blessings are plentiful. 

It's no secret that my medical history is extensive. My doctors like to show me my chart when I walk into a room, because it is two inches thick and full of test results, surgery summaries, and random diagnosis. Usually they say something along the lines of, "I didn't have time to look through all of this, could you please sum it up." 

I run the stats, (UC, PE, asthma, etc.) they ask the typical questions, and we laugh at my defective body.

Most days I am healthy. Although there was a time when my health or lack thereof was a common thought. Now it's not uncommon for me to go months without questioning the state of my body. I take it for granted.

Today, I am not taking it for granted.

I would like to say it's because I am so thankful God has given me the blessing of a new day, that I am alive and well, that I am strong and capable. No, that's not why I am not taking it for granted.

Don't get me wrong - all that's true, but today I am not taking it for granted because my asthma is flaring and all I want to do is stay home and breathe.