You know that moment when you feel like your life is overwhelming and you can't get a foothold on it, then something happens that reminds you, life will be okay. So I have had a few good cries over the loss of our embryos. One was to my mom (sorry Mom) she was sweet and bought me flowers. Another was a couple nights ago. Little Miss had gone to bed, tears started welling up and Kevin was away on business, then I got a text.
It was from my guy.
He wrote the line he used on me before he got the guts to ask me out. Just one line, it was silly and a personal joke at the time. That one line made me laugh through my tears. That's how I have made it through my entire life, laughing through the tears. A gift I did not learn until sometime in my adulthood.
Many are probably wondering where we will go from here.
Tomorrow, my future children (assuming they result in pregnancy) will be conceived (during church - just not at church, so they most likely will be angelic beings, my friend Dawn told me so!)
This thought has reminded me of the statistic I have often heard that only 20 percent of naturally made embryos result in pregnancy - half in which miscarry, so I am trying to think positive when I think my chances are 54 percent per embryo although miscarriage rate is comparable.
The medicine I took last night has probably been the most potent of the drugs I've been on. I have been tired all day with slight nausea. I also am severely bloated, very uncomfortable. I am looking forward to tomorrow to remove this feeling that a bowling ball is sitting on my pelvis.
Tomorrow, they will remove the eggs, by Monday they will be able to tell me how many were healthy eggs and how many they fertilized. Kevin and I get to determine the cap amount (the most we'd be willing to have fertilized). The only reason it would be different than that amount is if eggs don't fertilize, which is a very real possibility. Even when an egg and sperm meet, that does not always result in an embryo - magic has to happen (in the words of the nurse). So many variables, so many things to affect the outcome.
I am not nervous, just uncomfortable. I'll be taking a cocktail of meds in the morning, a valium tonight, and then they will give me a similar drug they give to those having a colonoscopy.
Then we wait... for two months... minimum.
Today was my third ultrasound this week. Everyone was super nice and happy, maybe because it was Friday. I didn't see the doctor I hired, but a different one. It was fine by me. Still prefer the small business feel, but this is okay.
I went in and was glad to see the same ultrasound nurse. I really like her, she remembers me, and the familiarity makes me feel comfortable. Before she did any measurements she said, "Wow, you are so close to being able to do IVF." She shared her own story, she now has twins. Later, as I walked through the halls, a few other nurses I've met along the way, mentioned they heard how close I was, which made me feel special and gave me that small business feel. I'm also curious how many people were there as the ultrasound tech talked to the doctor, but hey, I liked it.
Back to the ultrasound, after checking my eggs, she then went to look at the uterus, and said, "Oh, bummer, it doesn't look like its going to happen this month." She made this news not feel so bad with her sweet demeanor and charming talk. She had me sit in a consult room, where I waited for the doctor. I felt good about what she shared with me, just a little bummed.
I got Dr. D today, which is by far my favorite doctor, and the one I've seen most frequently. He also gave me similar news. I felt good about it... well that is until I left and reality sunk in.
Today, I am on day five (or is it six?) of my shots. Tomorrow. I go in for another ultrasound and blood work. My last results were all good. I'd give you the stats, but they wouldn't mean much to you.
I'm focusing on laying low. At the beginning of the shots, my body reacted harshly and I had trouble handling the emotions that came with it. The last two days I have felt like myself. I feel in control of my mood and my thoughts. This was a relief since I upped one of the hormones and started a third. I thought for sure it would keep me in my funk. I now take one shot in the morning and two at night.
My saving grace is my babysitting jobs. They keep me busy and keep my mind off of everything. I'm trying to plan lots of activities, hoping that it will keep me from thinking.
Physically, I feel cramping. Truth is I feel cramping ninety five percent of days (slight exaggeration), which is in part due to scar tissue from my past surgeries, cysts, and who knows what else. Although this seems a little more pronounced, so I think its related to the hormones.
I have read that you often will have pregnancy symptoms while doing the shots, truth is I have none of the typical pregnancy symptoms, unless not being able to think clearly and rationally is one of them.
Despite this being the biggest thing in my life at the moment, my mind has been on one of three topics, none of which have anything to do with pregnancy or IVF. It's amazing, no matter how big our stresses and worries are, there is someone going through far worse. Pregnancy or not, I am blessed.
I know if I get pregnant, my life will only change for the better. If I don't, its not like my life will be forever altered. What this tells me, if my biggest problem today will only end in one of two ways, neither being irreparable damage to my heart or life, then I need to thank God for this unique experience. My thoughts and prayers are with people who are having true hardships.
Please continue to pray for Little Miss (she is getting hopeful... yay), that it will result in a pregnancy, that I can maintain clear thinking, and if it doesn't work that we will know what direction God would like us to go from there.
I had an appointment today for IVF.
The Plan: Do an ultrasound, meet with nurse, decide IVF start date.
Outcome: Did an ultrasound, met with nurse, did not decide IVF start date, because...
Therefore, I get to go again, next Friday, where they will assess whether my cyst has shrunk. If it has, then we may just wait until it disappears. If it has not, then I get to have it drained. Either way, the minimum delay is about a week and a half. So instead of a mid-June date, we are looking at a late June early July date.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I could have gotten worse news. I'm only mildly concerned. Just another day in the waiting game. I've waited four years (since we adopted Emily) and ten years since I first tried get pregnant. What is another week and a half. Right?
Definition of J-Pouch: For those who do not know, a j-pouch is a "pouch" they make from your ileum (bottom part of the small intestine) that will work as your colon (which has been removed) and attached so that way you can use the restroom in the traditional way.
My Brief Background: I had my surgery in 2001, I have had my main incision cut open four to five times, my belly button cut open about the same, and a few other incisions around the abdomen. I have had nine major surgeries and slightly more minor surgeries.
What to expect when/if I am expecting: (Based on what I have read on j-pouch sites.)
Conclusion: I need to stop reading about pregnancy until I actually am pregnant, it will only drive me crazy and make it that much harder if the pregnancy test is negative.
I have had a multitude of people tell me they didn't think I should do in vitro. Some were because of fear for my life, some fear for my health, and others are morally against it. I can understand each and every single one of these concerns, but I can assure you we would not be doing it if we didn't have the confidence it was the right decision for our family.
First, for those who fear for my life. Despite my complicated medical history, my life is not at risk if I were to get pregnant. Although I had a pulmonary embolism, it was not caused by factors that would make it more likely for me to have another one. Pregnancy has taken the life of many women, and I am not taking this lightly. I know that there are many things that could go wrong if I were to get pregnant that could either harm me or the baby. The thing is, anything likely to happen to me, is just as likely to happen to any other woman.
For those who fear for my health. I have talked extensively to all my doctors. I have learned that there are minimal risks. The stats are in our favor, and in fact, they actually have said that my health is just as likely to improve as it is to get worse. Whenever someone gets pregnant, their entire chemistry changes. This sometimes works in their favor, and sometimes works against them.
I know this is totally premature. I am not pregnant yet, but I talked with my OBGYN about my birthing plan, since I have a very unique case.
I was told a long time ago that I would have to have a C-section.
C-section = surgery. I know surgery. Plus, this surgery is more simple and less invasive than most of them that I have had, which means quick recovery time.
I can do surgery. I've done surgery. Surgery is rough, but okay by me. A few days of tolerable pain, hunched back, and feeling completely exhausted. I can do that!
So imagine my surprise when my doctor says, "The most recent studies have shown there is less risk for those in your condition to have babies natural."
Last year, I had a really really really big cyst. It was 10 cm.
I was obviously uncomfortable, as anyone would be with a fluid filled sack the size of an orange in their abdomen.
Then it burst, which feels similar to someone cutting out your innards and burning them on fire while they are still connected to your body. In other words, it was excruciating pain.
Fortunately, Dr. Daly (world's greatest doctor) was still practicing, so I called him up and talked to him (not his nurse, which is why I love him), explained what was going on. He scheduled a surgery, he went in, drained it, and I was back to my old self within twenty four hours.
The shocker though, was learning that it was not an ovarian cyst. Apparently, it was a pseudocyst (Pseudocysts are basically cysts that are a build up of fluid most frequently as a result of an old surgery. Fun!). He actually believes I have never had a large ovarian cyst.
October 5, 2001
Don't take life so seriously. It doesn't really matter if you get an A on those exams. 13 years from now, you won't be using that degree you're working for anyway, actually you won't even finish this school year, let alone the degree!
Shoot, I probably shouldn't have told you that.
Okay, okay, I know you are probably flipping out about the whole not finishing school this year. No, you are not kicked out or failed out, but you did totally wasted four hours of your life mapping out every exam and all your future classes you'll ever take. You won't be taking them. In fact, those exams later today, you might as well save yourself the headache and skip them. Not a single one will matter tomorrow, because, well, you'll be going into the hospital. See, you know that disease you have, the one that Kevin and Erica keep harping on you to take care of, well, let's just say, since you chose not to take care of it, it took care of you.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.