I'm not going to lie, it is hard for me to be excited about pregnancy. You would think after 12 years of trying, I would be thrilled, but I've watched friends lose babies, both full-term and before. I've seen so much and experienced a lot.
I wish I could say that I can't wait to meet this baby, but there is part of me that fears being too excited, because I don't want to assume its safe arrival, because I fear assuming that will make it harder if I am shaken by devastation. I know fear is not from God, but it's a hard battle for me to fight. I want to assume everything will be alright, but fear has crippled me. So of course, at my 20 week appointment, when things did not go one hundred percent well during the ultrasound, it did nothing to help me let go of my fear.
The baby is doing well, but we do have an amniotic band. The doctor feels that we have surpassed the riskiest part of the band, and are now mostly in the clear. We won't know for sure if the band caused damage until the baby is born, but things look great.
Still, I am full of fear. I fight it everyday, I push those feelings away, I try to reason with myself, I try to give it to God, I try, yet I fear.
I voice these words, because as I type them, I know I am not alone. I have friends who have shared the same sentiment with me, and I am sure I have other friends who were too afraid to share their fears. People assume when you have tried for so long, you will be over the moon when it finally happens, but by then, so much has been taken from you, you can't help but fear this too will be taken from.
Anyway, please pray for peace for me, and to let go of my fear, and also for those who silently fear/hurt, but too afraid or private to open up.
I have yet to meet with my actual IVF doctor. Every appointment seems to be more convenient for every other doctor than the one I actually hired. So today, I met with his associate (Dr. D) , whom ironically was my first choice, but was too busy when I picked doctors.
This neither upsets me nor annoys me, but rather a reminder of why I preferred my original fertility doctor. He met with me every time.
This new place is run more like a big business, which is something I generally avoid. I sometimes meet with just a nurse never even seeing a doctor. The nurses change from visit to visit, the consultation specialist is never the same, and so far I have met with a doctor three times, and all three times there was a different doctor. This doesn't exactly bother me, but makes me feel disconnected from the office. I was very attached to my last doctor and his nurses, even his office staff. At this new place, I'm just another patient. They don't know my story, just my chart. That's okay, but I do miss the personal connection with a doctor.
I had an appointment today for IVF.
The Plan: Do an ultrasound, meet with nurse, decide IVF start date.
Outcome: Did an ultrasound, met with nurse, did not decide IVF start date, because...
Therefore, I get to go again, next Friday, where they will assess whether my cyst has shrunk. If it has, then we may just wait until it disappears. If it has not, then I get to have it drained. Either way, the minimum delay is about a week and a half. So instead of a mid-June date, we are looking at a late June early July date.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I could have gotten worse news. I'm only mildly concerned. Just another day in the waiting game. I've waited four years (since we adopted Emily) and ten years since I first tried get pregnant. What is another week and a half. Right?
Definition of J-Pouch: For those who do not know, a j-pouch is a "pouch" they make from your ileum (bottom part of the small intestine) that will work as your colon (which has been removed) and attached so that way you can use the restroom in the traditional way.
My Brief Background: I had my surgery in 2001, I have had my main incision cut open four to five times, my belly button cut open about the same, and a few other incisions around the abdomen. I have had nine major surgeries and slightly more minor surgeries.
What to expect when/if I am expecting: (Based on what I have read on j-pouch sites.)
Conclusion: I need to stop reading about pregnancy until I actually am pregnant, it will only drive me crazy and make it that much harder if the pregnancy test is negative.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.