You know that moment when you feel like your life is overwhelming and you can't get a foothold on it, then something happens that reminds you, life will be okay. So I have had a few good cries over the loss of our embryos. One was to my mom (sorry Mom) she was sweet and bought me flowers. Another was a couple nights ago. Little Miss had gone to bed, tears started welling up and Kevin was away on business, then I got a text.
It was from my guy.
He wrote the line he used on me before he got the guts to ask me out. Just one line, it was silly and a personal joke at the time. That one line made me laugh through my tears. That's how I have made it through my entire life, laughing through the tears. A gift I did not learn until sometime in my adulthood.
Many are probably wondering where we will go from here.
Well, our foster care license will remain open as it always has been. We are waiting for a child who is likely to be adoptable, hence the long wait. Since no one would wish an event to happen to a child that would cause them to be adoptable, the fact we have not gotten a call is a good thing. That's the hard truth with foster care. Although, people may say, "Oh they finally are getting to adopt!" We need to remember that its not all blessing. We choose to make it as big of a blessing as we can, but there is a lot of pain, suffering, loss, and so much more in every foster care case. It's our job as foster parents to make the process as painless as possible - a heavy hard task, let me tell you.
Will we do infant adoption? I don't know, but God knows. We are still weighing our decisions. Will we try IVF again? The likelihood of success due to our unique situation is so minimal that if we choose that route, several things need to happen before we give it another shot.
I obviously am not a very private person, but my sweet husband is. Out of respect for him, it has been decided we will take the next adventure solo. I am so glad I shared my story, I feel we were incredibly blessed as a result.
The one thing I want everyone to know is that hardship or not, we have been so incredibly blessed through every single journey. We have our Little Miss - my favorite of our blessings, we spent years as a married couple without kids - priceless, I had the opportunity to nanny - great experience, we had great experiences doing foster care and have made lasting relationships as a result, I get to babysit only building my relationship base, got to substitute teach for some wonderful special needs classes, through my blog I have gotten to know other women I would not have had to otherwise, I have gotten closer to family members I thought I had lost touch with because of my sweet Little Miss, I have been able to learn compassion and wisdom in a capacity I didn't before.
My point for sharing this is that I am happy not because my journey is less painful than others, but because sometimes we have to push through the pain and enjoy the blessings we are given. These blessings aren't handed out like candy at a parade, but chased after like a kid catching a butterfly. We don't want to get to the other side, never having reached out to anyone. Sure we need to cry, but we need to laugh too. We need to open up to others, we need to let ourselves be vulnerable, we need to allow ourselves the opportunity to get hurt. We can choose to wait for these blessings to come, but they won't, not until we are willing to push beyond our comfort zone and open our hearts to others. I know this may surprise some, but I'm shy. It's not until I threw my fear and trepidation aside that I found true blessings.
Tonight I might cry and be in pain, but that's not going to stop me from smiling.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.