Five Reasons I Am Scared To Be Pregnant

3/27/2014

Before I give you my reasons, I have a confession to make. You know how I have often said, I don't want to be pregnant, I've never really wanted to be pregnant. Well, that's a lie.

When I was in my teens, I often daydreamed about becoming pregnant and being a mommy. Other teenagers were daydreaming of falling in love, becoming a famous basketball player, and then there was me.

So, yes, a long time ago, I did in fact WANT to be pregnant.

Things shifted dramatically when I was twenty. My illness got severe, and it almost took my life. I would have eight more surgeries in the next eight years.

It was at that time, I began to shift from, I can't wait to be pregnant and have a baby to I hope we just adopt all our babies. We were lucky enough to adopt one. Although my baby was five when she came to us. .

Soon, we'll be embarking on a journey. One I am nervous to take, but I hope it works, because I do want to be pregnant. Maybe tomorrow I will do five reasons I want to be pregnant, but today I am writing:

Five Reasons I Am Scared To Become Pregnant

I like my body the way it is. Yes, I am vain. Due to my low key dress and hair, this is not first expected, but I am. For the most part, my body is easy to maintain. I may not be a sex symbol, but I work out two-ish times a week, eat what I want in limited quantities, and I don't cringe when I walk past the mirror on my way to the shower. Pregnancy changes everything. Some women look phenomenal afterwards. Some don't. Since Murphy's Law follows me, I will be in the latter group! We should be proud of our baby bearing bodies, but we live in our society and that part of the society has infiltrated my brain and my worries.
I have no interest in breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong. I will do it, because it is the best for the baby, (plus it's free) but I have heard so many horror stories that it sounds less like a bonding time and more like a chore. Some of my friends say I will change my mind, but again, my vanity hits me and I think the toll it will put on my body.
I am moody now... What about then? Some people believe that PMS is an imagined thing and that women just want an excuse for behaving badly. I just have to say one thing. They are wrong! I am a totally different person during that time of the month, I can't help, but worry what type of person I'll be while pregnant and hormones are all wonky!
The delivery. You know the law, what goes up, must come down. Well, I think there is also a law, what goes in, must come out. Yes, it will go in (via IVF) as four cells, but it's going to come out with many more and much much bigger. So although IVF is painful... I doubt it will compare to this. I am choosing c-section for medical reasons, but after eight surgeries I know even that in itself is painful.
I am afraid to miscarry. It often surprises me how many women carelessly announce they are pregnant with unabashed glee before the three month mark. I have to admit, my heart races when I realize how far they are and how excited they are. There is a part of me that wants to scream, not everyone makes it! You are too excited, too soon! Wait! Be careful! But, I don't. I smile and wish them the best and say a silent prayer that they can live in ignorance of what many women experience.

So mamas who have gone before me. Please give me advice and comfort. It would make me feel better as I embark on this journey.

4 Comments

Meet Angela

This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.

Marina

3/27/2014 07:33:26 am

While I am not a mom and I don't have any advice, I hope to offer some comfort by letting you know that you are not the only one scared of becoming pregnant. In some ways I feel like we have traveled a parallel path on two different roads. All I wanted when I graduated from High School was to find the right man for me and be a stay at home mom. It took me 12 years to find that man. Now we are finally trying to start our family at the same time that you are trying a different way to grow yours. I am worried about the changes that my body may take on. I'm worried about how long it will take to wear my clothes again . . . if ever. I'm worried I'll fail at breastfeeding. I'm worried about finding a bra that will fit and then later one to support. I'm worried about crying at the drop of a hat or snapping at an innocent person. I'm worried about being too tired or too round to accomplish anything. I am scared to death of pain. The idea of pushing a baby out turns my skin cold and makes my heart race. I wish I could choose c-section, but I also know that will be a lot of pain afterwards. Most of all I am afraid of finding out I can't have children or having a miscarriage. I can't even find words to explain or describe that. You are not alone. You are an amazing and strong woman and I am sure you will overcome all of these fears in time.

Angela (blessedlifewithchild(ren))

4/11/2014 12:38:09 pm

My hope is that your journey goes more quickly than mine did. I can't comment on most of your fears, but I can tell you that the fear of not having children will cause a lot of pain, but amazingly, God will bless you in ways you couldn't imagine. Probably like he blessed your years of singlehood, even though you weren't able to find the right man right away. It's weird how sometimes our biggest struggles are where we find our biggest blessings. I think it would be awesome if we found ourselves pregnant at the same time. We'll have to get together if that be the case, and swap stories. :)

Anna link

4/11/2014 10:11:45 am

I stumbled across your blog after finding your post on IVF and that very much interests me. I am already a mom. A young single mom. I understand your concerns. All of them. Excuse me if I seem a little harsh. I am a proponent of shifting your mind to what's important and letting go of everything that isn't. I take things moment by moment. Put things into perspective. If you work out in the beginning of pregnancy (consulting a doctor, of course) and eat well enough (cravings will happen, cave to them, it gives you peace, I swear.) And exercise after recovery, you will have a nice physique again. I am not back to pre-pregnancy weight but I also don't care too much. This body was the home of my wonderful son for 9 months. Seeing my stretch marks is a reminder of the beginning of his life. As for the pain, while I have never undergone surgery, the pain isn't pleasant but it is so temporary. The payoff at the end is so enormous that delivery is minute. Such a small part of the journey. Breastfeeding- I personally could not breastfeed. I also don't necessarily believe it is right for all people. Be open to what is right for you and your family. If you feel yourself on a psychotic break because of the stress then by all means, STOP. Just my two sense. I am terrified of miscarriage too. I was very fortunate to have no issues but it was always a scary thought in my mind. Trust that God will do what is best.
As for moodiness- I was a huge mean lady, I didn't want to tolerate anything that could attribute to becoming more uncomfortable than I already was. I was stressed to the max, but my situation was far different than anything anyone else could have gone through. However, with a loving, caring family, you'll be just fine. Just try to remember to cut people some slack. Breathe. Wait ten seconds before speaking if your initial answer may be something hurtful or offensive. Or if you can't help it and words fall out, there are apologies for that reason. And people are very likely to understand. Take care and I wish you the best! God bless.

4/11/2014 12:41:37 pm

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and advice. You did not sound harsh at all, and these words helped me. I think you are right about that you have to do what is right for your family, which doesn't always fit the mold everyone else thinks it too. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. It meant more than you know!

Five Reasons I Am Scared To Be Pregnant

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