Five Reasons I Am Scared To Be Pregnant

Before I give you my reasons, I have a confession to make. You know how I have often said, I don't want to be pregnant, I've never really wanted to be pregnant. Well, that's a lie. 

When I was in my teens, I often daydreamed about becoming pregnant and being a mommy. Other teenagers were daydreaming of falling in love, becoming a famous basketball player, and then there was me. 

So, yes, a long time ago, I did in fact WANT to be pregnant. 

Things shifted dramatically when I was twenty. My illness got severe, and it almost took my life. I would have eight more surgeries in the next eight years. 

It was at that time, I began to shift from, I can't wait to be pregnant and have a baby to I hope we just adopt all our babies. We were lucky enough to adopt one. Although my baby was five when she came to us. . 

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Soon, we'll be embarking on a journey. One I am nervous to take, but I hope it works, because I do want to be pregnant. Maybe tomorrow I will do five reasons I want to be pregnant, but today I am writing: 

Five Reasons I Am Scared To Become Pregnant

1. I like my body the way it is. Yes, I am vain. Due to my low key dress and hair, this is not first expected, but I am. For the most part, my body is easy to maintain. I may not be a sex symbol, but I work out two-ish times a week, eat what I want in limited quantities, and I don't cringe when I walk past the mirror on my way to the shower. Pregnancy changes everything. Some women look phenomenal afterwards. Some don't. Since Murphy's Law follows me, I will be in the latter group! We should be proud of our baby bearing bodies, but we live in our society and that part of the society has infiltrated my brain and my worries. 
   
2. I have no interest in breastfeeding. Don't get me wrong. I will do it, because it is the best for the baby, (plus it's free) but I have heard so many horror stories that it sounds less like a bonding time and more like a chore. Some of my friends say I will change my mind, but again, my vanity hits me and I think the toll it will put on my body. 
3. I am moody now... What about then? Some people believe that PMS is an imagined thing and that women just want an excuse for behaving badly. I just have to say one thing. They are wrong! I am a totally different person during that time of the month, I can't help, but worry what type of person I'll be while pregnant and hormones are all wonky! 
4. The delivery. You know the law, what goes up, must come down. Well, I think there is also a law, what goes in, must come out. Yes, it will go in (via IVF) as four cells, but it's going to come out with many more and much much bigger. So although IVF is painful... I doubt it will compare to this. I am choosing c-section for medical reasons, but after eight surgeries I know even that in itself is painful. 
5. I am afraid to miscarry. It often surprises me how many women carelessly announce they are pregnant with unabashed glee before the three month mark. I have to admit, my heart races when I realize how far they are and how excited they are. There is a part of me that wants to scream, not everyone makes it! You are too excited, too soon! Wait! Be careful! But, I don't. I smile and wish them the best and say a silent prayer that they can live in ignorance of what many women experience. 

So mamas who have gone before me. Please give me advice and comfort. It would make me feel better as I embark on this journey.