The fact that I have time to type this is your first clue that the baby didn't come to us. The mom was able to prove she can take care of her own child, which is the ideal situation. I am okay with it. I think people are expecting a huge heartbreak, but oddly there isn't.
There is exhaustion. The wait and anticipation this weekend was mentally exhausting. There are feelings of doubt. Doubt that there is a child out there who needs us, and we can take care of. Even though that is what everyone likes to say to us. There is discouragement. I am discouraged and wondering if this is the path we are supposed to take.
The thing I don't think people get is that my feelings are not, "Oh I want a baby, I can't have a baby, please Lord give me a baby." This is plain and simple, I would like to expand my family. I have a beautiful daughter, a wonderful husband, it would be nice to have a larger family. It's not this huge deep-seated void in my life. It's a desire. There is a difference.
A void causes someone to grieve daily, a desire causes someone to move forward and try to attain their goal.
So, where are we going to go from here? We're going forward. We are not ready to close this door, just yet. Maybe sometime in the future, we will abandon the foster care system, but I don't feel that door is ready to be closed. When it is ready to be closed, we'll be missing one key element - hope.
So yes, I do feel exhausted, doubtful, and discouraged, but at the end of the day, there is still hope. And while there is still hope, we will trudge forward.
This makes me want to watch the movie Hope Floats again. I love that movie, wish I had it.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.