I wish I could say that I can't wait to meet this baby, but there is part of me that fears being too excited, because I don't want to assume its safe arrival, because I fear assuming that will make it harder if I am shaken by devastation. I know fear is not from God, but it's a hard battle for me to fight. I want to assume everything will be alright, but fear has crippled me. So of course, at my 20 week appointment, when things did not go one hundred percent well during the ultrasound, it did nothing to help me let go of my fear.
The baby is doing well, but we do have an amniotic band. The doctor feels that we have surpassed the riskiest part of the band, and are now mostly in the clear. We won't know for sure if the band caused damage until the baby is born, but things look great.
Still, I am full of fear. I fight it everyday, I push those feelings away, I try to reason with myself, I try to give it to God, I try, yet I fear.
I voice these words, because as I type them, I know I am not alone. I have friends who have shared the same sentiment with me, and I am sure I have other friends who were too afraid to share their fears. People assume when you have tried for so long, you will be over the moon when it finally happens, but by then, so much has been taken from you, you can't help but fear this too will be taken from.
Anyway, please pray for peace for me, and to let go of my fear, and also for those who silently fear/hurt, but too afraid or private to open up.