Tomorrow night, between six and eight, I will give myself the first two shots for IVF.
I feel weird saying this, but I am not excited, scared, nervous, or any of the expected feelings. In fact, I have not put much thought into it. Maybe it's the ten years that led up to this. I have gone through such a gamut of emotions that I don't have any left.
Or maybe, it's because it doesn't seem real. You know the first few days after someone dies. You know they are gone, you know you will never see them again, but the pain and grief have not yet hit you.
Or maybe it's because there is a part of me that figures this whole ordeal won't result in a child. I couldn't tell you how many times we have thought that our family was going to grow, we waited, we expected, and then nothing.
So many people are sure that we are going to get pregnant. They obviously have not gone through what I have, because they wouldn't share the same optimism if they had. It's refreshing and makes me happy. I truly appreciate everyone's support. This was our main reason for sharing. To be positive when we are not feeling it, and being there if it does not work. Either way, we have to mentally prepare ourselves for both if it doesn't work or if it does work.
I've been thinking of names again, which says there is a part of me that thinks it will work. I also have been considering my options if it doesn't. I have even thought of having Little Miss be an only child. There is a point when you do need to give up the pursuit - when you need to prepare yourself for the rest of your life. Ironically, Kevin and I have not discussed it.
So tomorrow, life will go on as normal. I will be busy, busy, busy. Pause, give myself the shots, go back to life.
I'm sure the feelings will hit me. I'm sure they are brewing somewhere inside me. Even though I stopped to write this blog. My thoughts have gone in and out of the other things going on in my life. Maybe its good I'm so busy these days. It keeps me from obsessing, worrying, stressing.
Still, please pray. Pray it will work, pray that we will be emotionally fine, and by the way, I know in the past I had said I didn't want to talk about it. I now feel comfortable, feel free to ask questions. I am at peace with things and less anxious about questions. Also, don't forget to pray for Little Miss in all this. This process will effect her in unique ways.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.