The first time I realized I wanted to adopt was when I was fifteen years old. Ironically, I was watching a story about a woman who could not have children and decided to use her mother as a surrogate. I really connected to the character in that it was my lifetime dream to be a mother. I then began to think about, what if I couldn't have children. I realized if that was the case my path would be different from hers.
It's not that I think having a surrogate is a bad thing, it's just... well, Martian Child put it the best, when the main character said, " I don't want to bring another kid into this world. But how do you argue against loving one that's already here?" I realized the moment I heard that quote that it expressed my exact thoughts.
I do believe back then, I knew that there was something wrong. My periods were always exactly 27 days apart and still are, but they were abnormal, to say the least. The idea of adoption would creep up on me frequently over the next seven years.
When I was 17, my husband and I met. It was soon after, on our first date alone actually, I asked him, "If I can't get pregnant, would you be willing to adopt?" I knew this was a deal breaker. I didn't want to fall for a guy if he could not accept this in his future. For me, dating was a way to seek a future husband. In that respect, I am very old-fashioned. Well, I married him when I was 21 so you can guess what his answer was.
A year later, we went off birth control. The truth is, I had such horrible reactions to all birth control methods that my husband and I decided we would test fate. The first year I was not anxious, I was not expecting, I was just waiting. It was fine. I figured previous methods were prohibiting anything from happening. A year later, I then realized, all previous methods should be out of my system, and I should have gotten pregnant. It was at this point, I began sharing with people, my desire to get pregnant, taking ovulation kits, being anxious, and wondering if it would ever happen.
The months passed, the years passed, and pregnancy test after the pregnancy test came back negative. I can pinpoint at what stage of grief I was at throughout the next five years; infertility is a grieving process. I have now reached acceptance, but it was a long hard road, one that I do not regret traveling.
The worst day was February 14th, 2006. I took at least ten pregnancy tests the week before, some showed a faint double line, most did not, but even with extra eyes to look at the results, no one knew for sure if it was positive or just a fluke.
I decided I would wait one week before I would test myself again. Because I thought it would be romantic to learn I was pregnant on Valentines Day. I went and shopped for a bib that said, "I Love My Daddy." I figured I would give it to Kevin when I found out that I was pregnant. I waited each day, getting more hopeful. Valentine's Day morning I took a test. I was so excited about the results.
It was negative.
I was crushed.
I didn't tell Kevin about the bib until later, but I did tell him about the results. Later that day, I had confirmation of a different sort that I was INDEED not pregnant. That was the worst day. The others pale in comparison because I thought for sure, I was pregnant. Other times, it hurt, but I never was so sure at that time.
I could never express the feelings of loss one feels. The feelings of each late period resulting in not being pregnant. I had always been exactly 27 days apart before this time period, and I was every year after I had my tubal ligation. During this time period, I was often late, resulting in the worst imaginable periods. Were those little pregnancies that my body could not support. Truth is, I don't have an answer, and when I asked my doctor, he just said, he'd have to do blood tests to be sure.
My doctor was amazing, at one point crying with me as I recalled a very painful experience. He was not the doctor to find the answers I needed, but he will forever be special to me. If only every doctor, every person had such big hearts.
It was 2007 when Kevin and I decided to pursue alternative options, that is when we met with an infertility doctor. We'll leave that story, for another day. It was that year that a turning point had occurred, I went from feeling hopeless to hopeful. There would still be tears to follow, but I was on my way to accepting infertility.
This Christian mom is far from perfect, but continually strives to grow and develop. She is an avid reader of both fiction and non-fiction and focuses a lot on personal growth. She loves to share what she has learned through her studies and her own failures, as well as walks alongside other mothers as they learn together the ins and outs of parenting.