Our baby on the way does help with my feelings of sadness, but even this baby brings its own amount of sadness. If God willing, this child makes it to this earth healthy and we will for the first time despite having one child already, be able to experience firsts from birth to graduation and beyond, it could also be our last firsts as well. We missed the first five years with Emily, but honestly, I don't feel like I missed out, because I never felt like that time was ever supposed to be mine. Still we didn't have the first word, the first step, the first day of preschool, but we had lots of other firsts.
The reason I point this out, just as this baby will be the first we will experience all its firsts, he or she may be the last one. With a closed foster care license and not sure what God has in store for our future, I cannot help but wonder if these two children will be our only children. I always imagined a big family, but very few people ever get the family they imagined. Even when they do, life throws so many curve balls at them, they still feel a sense of loss over something. So instead I strive for contentment. Still, despite my striving for contentment, I do wonder, is this the end (as far as children goes) for us. Does God have anything more for us?
I hope so. Something tells me though, even if it's not more children, we will be blessed. He seems to have blessed us along the way my entire life, just not the way I always expected. Who knows, maybe this baby will start something in me, and I will get that big family I always wanted, then I will grumble about the chaos and hardship having a lot of children brings. Whatever God has in store, one things for certain, I need to continue to count my blessings and strive for contentment. So yeah, that's my random ramblings for today.